no excuses

There was a time when I was decidedly not a runner.  Not only was I not a runner, but I prided myself in not being a runner.  My line to all my runner friends in college was, "I run when chased... sometimes."  But college was a time of partying, drinking and late night burritos, not a time of fitness.  Granted, I was a lifeguard and still jumped into the pool to swim laps a few times a week, but running was out of the question.  My stance on running was so accepted, that I remember one of my friends expressing her surprise when she heard that I ran for a bus.  I still can hear her tone of voice when she said, "You ran?!?"
I was thinking about that time of my life and how much has changed while I was out running in the Carolina heat and humidity this morning.  I got a late start (about three hours later than my usual start time) and it was hot.  Running in the heat is a lot harder than swimming in the heat.  Go figure.  I was having a tough time trying to keep my pace (because I not only run now, but I follow a training plan) and getting pretty discouraged when I remembered that voice.  "You ran?!?"  It is truly amazing what you can do when you decide to stop making excuses and just do it.*  Yes, I ran.  Today I ran seven miles at a 9:29 min/mile pace in ninety degree heat and humidity.  I'm slower than a lot of people, but I'm faster than a lot of people too.  I am I certainly faster than all the people who still think that running is not an option.

* while I have no intention of doing PR for Nike, the slogan fits.

The hammer

Devin is a bit of a drama queen.  This is not new, but what we are dealing with is more akin to what I would expect from a teenage girl than a seven year old boy.  Lately I have been hearing, "This is the worst day ever!" for such trivialities as:

• learning that a friend cannot sleep over
• needing to turn off the PlayStation/TV/DS
• generally not getting to do things Devin's way

At first we tried to ignore the drama, but over time it really grates on you.  Today I had to bring down the hammer.  After learning that it was indeed another 'worst day ever' in Devin's world (this time because of an accidental deletion on the PlayStation.  Never mind that we went to a movie with nine little boys from the neighborhood today and he got to play PlayStation for a hour - far longer than I usually allow) I asked him how today could be the worse day ever, when he said yesterday was.  Then we talked about how sad it was if every day was so horrible and how we need to create our own happiness.  Nothing seemed to connect with Devin and he continued to lament his awful life when I sent him to his room to think (and to calm myself down). 
When he returned I gave Devin a vocabulary lesson.  He learned the meaning of the words "selfish" and "spoiled" and "brat".  We again talked about all the good and wonderful things in our lives for which we should be grateful.  This resulted in more tears combined with a declaration of how damaged his feelings were by my vocabulary lesson.  And yet, I could tell that I still was not getting through to him. 
As I was putting Devin to bed, I started talking to him about the day that Brianna died.  I explained that she had been sick and in the hospital for a couple days when the doctors wanted to do a test to check her heart, and when they did the test her heart stopped working.  She could not breathe.  She could not talk.  She could not see.  She could not smile or laugh or sing or dance.  I told Devin that I knew that the day that Brianna died was the worst day ever for her parents (my sister and brother-in-law) and for his cousins.  I told Devin that day was the worst day ever for Grandma and Grandpa and for Andy and I and I was pretty sure it was the worst day for his other aunts and uncles and cousins too.  And I asked him if he thought that today was as bad as the day that Brianna died. 

I think he is starting to understand.

to tri or not to tri...

That is the debate. 
It's summer.  For the past ten (or so) years, summer for me has been triathlon season, unless of course I was pregnant or nursing a new born.  Those summers I had a legitimate reason to sit out a season.  But now it's summer and I love triathlons.  I love training, I love racing and I love trying to better my previous race times. 
Last weekend Andy did his first sprint tri and I was so excited for him.  He had a great race and it was really fun to encourage him in this new achievement.  But I love competing too, and I am starting to miss triathlons.  Last summer was tough because I was training for tri's and Andy was working out a lot.  He had made a new commitment to becoming a healthier person and I was absolutely behind that*!  We found it challenging to manage our training schedules while caring for the kids and trying to get workouts done before the Carolina heat set in each day. 
Now this summer I have been running and swimming, but I only started training for my half marathon (racing on Labor Day) a few weeks ago.  Part of me thought I might so a tri this summer, but between my other training, and all of our summer travel plans, I thought it would be difficult to do everything that I want to do.  I had my eye on a race in August (between our trips to Chicago and Boston) but haven't registered yet because I'm not sure how to manage all the training.  It is difficult to find time to training for three sports while caring for three kids.  Plus, I am already committed to running three times per week to prepare for my half marathon.  So the question is: can I realistically train in swimming and biking in three days each week (because we all need a rest day)?  I'm not sure that I can.  To be fair, I know that I could go out tomorrow and complete a sprint triathlon.  But I have completed a lot of sprint triathlons.  If I do another one, I want to be competitive.  I want to do well. 
Now Andy is thinking about training for another tri in a couple months and he is not really excited about both of us vying for workout time in the morning, especially since I am starting to do longer runs.  Is it realistic that we could both train?  Should I just focus on the half marathon and let him be the reigning triathlete in the household this summer?  Should maintain my current training and then go out and wing it in a sprint triathlon and hope for the best?  I wish I had an easy answer.

Andy after finishing his first Triathlon!!

*  For the record, Andy has lost 50 lbs since last spring and looks amazing.  Hubba Hubba!

the left side

always the left side.  again the left side. 

The weekend before I was supposed to start training in earnest for the half marathon I started feeling that all-too-familiar, none-too-fun ache in my left hamstring and lower back.  I stretched and stretched and decided to give it a little time to heal.  But I really didn't stop running.  In fact, during our week on the beach I ran even more, since the waves were way too crazy for *real* swimming and I didn't have a gym.  So my hip started complaining too, and now I am following my own advice and, "listening to my body".  I am back at the chiropractor, shortening my runs, stretching and icing and hoping that all will be better soon.  While I am frustrated to be doing this again, I am glad that I still have a couple months until the half marathon.

beach people

It's official; the beach vacation is over. As we were walking through the sand to the board walk, Isabel said to me, "But Momma, I'm not ready."

Moments later (as we were walking to the showers to rinse off before our four hour drive home), Devin told me that this was a great vacation.

When we asked Alex what his favorite part of vacation was, he said "everything". 

While we will all be glad to get back to our home, friends and our routines, I truly believe that we Blake's are meant to be beach people.

status quo

this is what vacation should look like

..but dull he is not

Yesterday Alex received a card from a preschool girl who says that she is his girlfriend.  Alex is already a ladies man, and he loves when we talk about girls (and more specifically his girl friends).  So I started teasing him that Brooke wasn't his girlfriend because I was his girlfriend and he was mine all mine (with all the appropriate cuddles and kisses being given as I was saying this).  Alex told me that I couldn't be his girlfriend, and I asked him "why not"?  I was expecting any number or responses from him; "Because you are my mom", "Because you're too old", etc. 

Alex said, "Because you are clearly a loser."

I laughed so hard that I didn't even reprimand him for being fresh.  Wonder where he heard that one...

flip flop addiction

I have a problem.  This is not something new or really all that new or unique, but it is my problem nonetheless.  I am addicted shoes; flip flops to be exact.  In the past I could mask justify my shoe addiction by simply purchasing a variety of shoes for the different seasons one faces in New England: summer - flip flops, spring - cute sneakers, fall - cool boots, winter - gore-tex clogs.  However now that I am in the South, there is really little justification in purchasing the multitude of flip flops that I have acquired.  I have sporty flip flops, dressy flip flops, flip flops that look best with jeans, flip flops that stand up to the chlorine and salt water of summer and even the adorable leather flip flops with the huge flower on them that I have been eyeing for months (drool).

They are fantastic!  I am sometimes good about purging the old flops, but often times my increase in 'stock' does not match my 'shrinkage'.  After my most recent purge, I now own eleven pairs of flip flops.  The sad thing is that my shoes for the winter months are really quite pathetic.  If only I could live in my flip flops year round. 

little girls are evil

Sure they look cute enough, but underneath the princess costumes and the giant smiles is pure evil.  It started out innocent enough, with Isabel and her little friend (age 3) playing at our house today.  But these little ladies vacillated between happy tranquility and nastiness all morning.  They went from bickering over toys and slamming bedroom doors to singing songs and playing with princesses.  One minute they were playing at the kitchen in the toy room (while I was cleaning the real kitchen) and the next I heard the front door open.  As I was sprinting to the door to retrieve the two little ladies, I slipped on a discarded princess outfit and crashed to the floor, slamming into the closet door jam.  And there I lay.

I had a moment where I really thought I was going to have to call another grown person to come and take care of the kids.  I had Alex get the little girls back into the house and lock the door (which had been locked before..) and I assessed the situation.  Huge bruised lump on the left shin.  Imprint of a door jam on swollen right knee.  Right hip pain.  Swollen right hand.  Then I realized that the impact of the fall was so hard that it made me pee my pants.  Seriously?  I have nearly peed my pants from laughing, and Lord knows I needed to do a zillion kegels after having three babies, but... seriously?? 

So I did what any parent does when they realize that they are completely defeated.  I put Dora on the TV for the pretty little demons, changed my clothes, iced my injuries and started to reclaim my dignity.  Might be time to put a chain on that door. 

scheming...

Devin was musing today on how great it would be if he could create a robot or a droid that could do his homework.  It started with his math homework, then he added the spelling.  Before I knew it he was scheming to create a blonde, almost seven-year-old droid that could pass for him at school too.

Think he's ready for the school year to end?

I felt needed

I am lucky enough to be a volunteer at the Children's Hospital near our home.  Yesterday I had my first shift on the oncology floor, and surprisingly I really look forward to going back.  I thought working in oncology would be really sad, but it wasn't.  I have worked on other floors before and I have always felt useful, but yesterday I felt more than useful.  I felt needed.  Many of the kids that I met were too sick or too medicated to want to interact with anyone, but the few who were having good days seemed so glad to have someone new to joke around with them and pay them some attention.  Unlike on the other floors, these kids and their families have been in the hospital for weeks or months, many times over.  They have seen all the movies; they have read the books, done the crafts and they are just plain tired of being at the hospital.  I found myself being a total goof with the teenagers; teasing them like I would my nieces and nephews and doing what I could to make them laugh.  I played with the littler ones the way I would play with my own; talking about Disney princesses and favorite colors.
One family that I met yesterday stays in one hospital room together while their child is in treatment.  Four of them sleep in that small room each night before Dad takes the older one off to school and goes to work for the day.  I spent a lot of my time with their sweet daughter, who was happy to tell me what the tooth fairy brought her, or show me her silly bands, but I also talked with her parents a lot.  We talked about our kids.  We talked about their schools and homework.  We talked about what they like to eat or wear or the differences in raising boys versus girls.  We chatted like friends at the park or the soccer field, only we were in a hospital room with a little girl who had a tube in her chest and was losing her hair.
My friend from high school has a son in remission from leukemia.  She made the comment to me that most of the hospital volunteers are college age or senior citizens, so having a 'mom' as a volunteer would be great.  I thought she meant it would be great for the kids, but I realize now that it's great for the parents also. 
Yesterday when I was leaving they asked when I would be back again, and I told them not for another month.  The mom said that they should be there.  While I certainly look forward to seeing that amazing family again, I really wish that instead they will be happily at home.

song

I find this song both haunting and beautiful.  It brings me to tears. 

I am 6 years old in the back of my mother's car
and I will be 7 in December
She will be gone by the beginning of next spring
and I will be left to remember
To remember

I ask my little questions
and she laughs a little laugh
But she won't tell me where we're going
She looks in my eyes with her eyes in the mirror
And says, "Some things you're better off not knowing"
Not knowing

But I don't know what her voice sounds like
I don't know what her skin feels like
I only know what it might feel like
When a mother holds her daughter
When that mother knows she's leaving this life
Leaving this life

She's left with that reflection of me at 6 years old
And I have her eyes in the mirror
Well she and I, we are defined by what we have lost
Don't you wonder whose loss is dearer
Dearer

She doesn't know what my voice sounds like
She doesn't know what my skin feels like
And I only know what it might feel like
When a mother holds her daughter
When that mother knows she's leaving this life
Leaving this life

And I don't know what her voice sounds like
And I don't know what her skin feels like
I only know what it might feel like
When a mother holds her daughter
When that mother knows she's leaving this life
Leaving this life

"Leaving this Life" - Lori McKenna
 
 

intelligence

There are many ways to measure intelligence.  Does a person's achievement really reflect their capabilities?  What does it mean to be 'gifted'?  And how does a 'gifted' child fit into the curriculum of a 'regular' school?

Andy and I have been toiling with these questions for the past few months, ever since Alex's preschool suggested that we get him IQ tested, because they thought he might be 'gifted'.  Alex is very bright, there is no denying that.  He has been doing 100 piece puzzles on his own since he was four, and he can build the most amazing things with blocks and legos.  When we do first grade math homework aloud with Devin, Alex is often as quick or quicker to answer the questions, and a couple months before his fifth birthday he began to read.  I think our first reaction would have been to assume that Alex was just trying to keep up with his brother by doing the things that Devin does.  However, a close friend and educator had mentioned the same thing to us months before; she also said she thought he might be gifted.  We began to wonder if there was something else at play.  If Alex was truly gifted, we would need to find out so that we could ensure that he's being challenged appropriately in school.  So we met with a psychologist and an education specialist, both of whom suggested that Alex be IQ tested, and we started investigating our options for his education.  Can the school that we plan to send him to accommodate gifted kids?  Is there space for him in the gifted academy, even though we are not in that district?  Does our own district have any options to offer?  Is Alex truly gifted??????
Months ago, when we initially discussed this, my friend was quick to warn me that gifted kids don't always do well in school. They don't always follow along with the class and are often curious and impulsive. They excel in what they are interested in, and sometimes disregard the rest. She likened Devin to a "high achiever", meaning he's a smart kid that will work hard and do well in school. This is rather familiar to Andy and I, since I think we both fall into that category.  But gifted kids... well we all have something to learn.

For the purposes of Alex's evaluation, the psychologist said that they consider an IQ of 140 to be gifted (100 is average).  She also mentioned that most Catholic grade schools teach to an IQ level of 115 or 120.  Alex was tested last week.  While we are awaiting the official results, the psychologist indicated that he tested at about 135 for non-verbal and about 120 for verbal.  While he may qualify for the gifted academy, we learned that they will not take students from other districts.  However, he is still above (or at the high water mark) for the Catholic school's curriculum.  We are waiting for her full report before we approach his future Kindergarten.  Although he is not considered gifted, with that IQ he is considered to be in the top 2.2% of his peers and we want to ensure that the school knows what kind of special little guy they are getting in the fall.

toddler love

Isabel loves me.  For a two-year-old to love her mother is no surprise, but at times I am overwhelmed by her love.  It is absolutely wonderful to know that this beautiful little person thinks I am the center of the world (or rather, that she is the center of my world), but it can be a little troublesome as well.  Since she was a year old she would push her brothers out of my lap when we were cuddling, only now she accompanies that action with an angry, "My Mommy!".   I can't count the times that she refused basic care from her father in deference to me.  Tonight, after insisting that I get her out of her car seat, she flat out would not let Andy give her a bath.  She ran from him yelling, "No, no, Papa.  Mommy give Izzy bath.".  The men of the house all seem to take these antics in stride.  However, I worry that she will eventually hurt Andy's feelings, and I certainly feel like I miss out on some quality time with the boys.  I cannot read with them at bedtime without her planting herself right in the middle of the action. 

But I adore my little girl.  She's funny and sweet and such a joy to all of us.  There are times when I literally yearn for her cuddles and affection, but my feelings pale in comparison with the fierce intensity of her love.  I admit, there is a part of me that hopes this will never change.

don't know how they do it...

I ran nearly eleven miles yesterday morning.  Unlike when I was training for the half-marathon last fall/winter, the humidity was about a gazillion percent and I really felt the difference.  When I got home, all I wanted to do was lay down.  In the grass, on the floor... I did not care.  I was just completely wiped.  My clothes were soaked to the point where I could have wrung them out and I was a mess.  It was all I could do to keep moving that morning as I puttered around the house, cleaning and doing laundry.  I held to together until Izzy and Alex went down for a nap, and then I did the same. 
I am certainly learning that there is a direct correlation between the number of miles I run and the amount of time I need to lay down afterward.  Let's just say that a full marathon is probably not in my future.  But it got me to thinking... how do people manage?  How do people train for something that requires hours of constant activity, and still work full time and care for their families? 
No wonder it takes someone exceptional to run a marathon or (OMG!) an Ironman.  There is a part of me that wistfully imagines myself completing an Ironman, but the reality is that I cannot imagine the impact that all of the training would have on the rest of my life. 
For now I will just remain in awe of those who compete in the ultra endurance events.  I will do another half marathon (or maybe two) this year and be content knowing that we all do the best that we can...

from the mouths of babes

In the car on the way home from soccer tonight Alex and Isabel were lobbying for a treat, and they were giving me suggestions of which desserts I could give them.  Isabel knew that I had recently purchased some popsicles, and asked for those. 
Then Alex said,"Mommy, I think Isabel said she wants some testicles."

Happy Birthday Isabel

My baby doll turned two last week.  Can you believe it? 

Happy Birthday Love-bug!!  You are pure sunshine.

seriously?

holy crap, has it really been that long since I posted anything?  Seriously?  I guess I'll just have to get off my couch, put away the bonbons and get down to business. 

tomorrow.  when I'm not so tired...  or when I have less to do...

Kaizen

I'm not a believer in New Year's resolutions. I just don't think that they work for me. When I worked at Fidelity Investments, a philosophy of continuous improvement, or kaizen, was introduced to me. Wikipedia states, "The term kaizen (Japanese for "improvement") is a Japanese word adopted into English referring to a philosophy or practices focusing on continuous improvement in manufacturing activities, business activities in general, and even life in general, depending on interpretation and usage". I like to believe that I am continuously working to better myself, regardless of the time of year. When I train for races, I follow a training plan almost to a fault. I set goals that are achievable yet challenging, and I work really hard to accomplish my goals.
And yet, I don't think that I look quite like someone who works out like I do. Don't get me wrong; I am pleased with my endurance, my strength and my cardio-vascular capabilities. I am in the best shape of my life, and yet this "best shape of my life" body doesn't quite look the way that I expected. So in the spirit of Kaizen, I decided to make a change. I decided to diet. See, I have managed to get back into shape by exercising a lot and eating healthy, but I have not been really limiting myself.  And it worked, to an extent. But I am ready for more; I am ready to look the way I imagined I would when exercising as long and as hard as I do. So I am in diet mode: keeping the food journal and avoiding the carbs. and sweets. and alcohol.
I do not love this, but I hope that I will love the effect that this has.
Continuous improvement.